Monday, November 27, 2006

A post for close friends and those who want to get to know me better.

So why have I felt bored of the blog recently? I think it’s lost a bit of depth and purpose. I’ve simply been referring to stuff that’s been going on, just scratching the surface. Today I could tell you about recent hassles with the buses or playing football with a tennis ball or too much xmas stuff in November. But today I feel like I want to go a bit deeper. All that surface scratching stuff doesn't really give a fair representation of my self.

So if you want to join me, I’m going to try and push myself to be a bit vulnerable, and be a bit honest for a change.

For a few months now I’ve felt distracted. God’s not been top of my list of priorities and I’ve just been going through the motions. Part of that may have come from the responsibility of leadership, possibly focussing more on simply sorting out events for the diary. But leaving the excuses behind, I’ve also made a couple of more obvious mistakes, which have played on my mind.

Yet on Saturday night at the Fusion Weekend in Oxford, I received some prayer. They were spot on words of encouragement and hope which I needed to hear. And for the next half hour or so God was the only thing on my mind. Nothing could distract me. I jumped about without worrying what others thought. I was totally thankful. Thankful for a fresh start; thankful for future hope; thankful that I’m free to make mistakes; thankful that I don’t have to do it alone; thankful that there is no pressure to perform; thankful that God is big enough to deal with everything that worries me.

If only that feeling could last longer than half an hour. But Monday comes and I’m back in Cambridge, back to the challenges of everyday life. Cambridge can at times be a tough place of extreme expectations, tiredness and over-thinking. And no matter how hard I try, I will continue to stuff up and make mistakes. But that is the beauty of my God. He’s dealt with it all already! He has no disillusions about me.

Someone randomly wound their car window down the other day and asked me, ‘Why are you happy?’ (Random eh!) I laughed it off and didn’t give an answer. I didn’t really want to share what had subconsciously given me a cheeky grin as I walked down the road. But deep down, if I’m honest, the true reason was that (no matter what was actually in my head at that moment!) it comes from regularly accepting the fresh starts that are infinitely offered to me.

Normal sarchastic grumbling resumes tomorrow.

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